Chapter 32A - Mirror

I find myself wrapping bandages around my bloodied hand, the silence of this place more deafening than usual. Staring at myself in the mirror, waiting for the pain to slowly fade away as a clock in the distance ticks endlessly in the background, I can’t ignore the anger bubbling inside me. The one chance I had to escape is now gone.

My reflection in the mirror doesn’t even look like myself. My face and arms are littered with scars and signs of the torment I’ve endured throughout all these years. Is this really it? I’m going to be stuck in this stupid bunker for the rest of my life? All of the chances I could've had to find another living person out there, gone?

…

I’m tired of staring at my ugly body, ugly reflection, ugly human being that has become me. I can feel my breathing growing quicker, heart pounding through my chest and the sound of blood rushing across my body. I can’t do anything right. I’m as useless as he is. What’s even the point?

I fall to the floor, dizzy and failing to calm myself down. My mind can’t concentrate on anything. I can’t stop the memories of everything I’ve been through and failed to. I can’t die this soon, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…

I wipe away unwanted tears from my face. How long has it been since I’ve cried? How long has it been since I’ve felt this hopeless? It all reminds me of that night I was looking over the rails on the bridge, observing the ripples of the water below, ready to throw my life away. Nothing in my life has ever been right. I’ve never had anyone to support me. I’ve never had any major successes or goals or accomplishments or anything to look forward to. All I faced were failures.

I lived my life in mostly solitude and learned to get along with the feeling of hopelessness, hiding my inner self away from others. The only time in my life where I actually felt true belonging and happiness was when I met her. If I hadn’t met Calista on the bridge that night, where would I even be now?

Probably dead, at the bottom of the river, unable to breathe as broken bones and crimson red wounds leave me immobile, left for the earth to reclaim and shape me into something anew.

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