Chapter 37A - Calista
I often wonder where I’d be if I never came across this place. Would I still even be alive by now? Would I have ever found any survivors left? Either way, with the rate things are going… my time is slowly running out.
There’s so many things in my life I still want to do. So many values I held in my heart and was so sure I could reach them in the future. Even if it all feels like a blur now, I miss the days me and Calista spent hours talking and going places. She would take pictures on the camera she always took with her everywhere and put them on the wall. Almost every inch of her wall had something hung on it, but she’d insist she always had space for more.
I miss the feeling of holding a stack of photos in my hands, browsing through them and laughing at the blurry ones, imperfect, yet an irreplaceable memory of the times we spent together, laughing as the sun went down.
I know there’s really no point continuing to dwindle in the past. I guess it’s just a part of me that’ll never fade away. Even now, I can still remember almost every detail of her face…
I sigh, forlorn as I lay restless on the bed in this silent room. Nothing is the same as it used to be. I stare at the cold, metal wall, studying the smooth pattern of its surface, like watching paint dry. I often lose myself in my own thoughts for hours and lay alone in the deafening silence. I must’ve been at it for a few hours, as I hear a familiar voice in the distance, coming from the hallway.
“Lena? Are you alright in there? You haven’t said anything for, um… quite a while!”
“...Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Do you… mind if I come in?”
“Go ahead.”
Ell1s awkwardly phases through the door and floats inside, noticing my distant expression. He leans against the wall next to my bed, silent for a moment before deciding to speak up.
“Is something on your mind? You… don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to. I’m always here to listen, if you’d like to, though. Even if we may not really have the best relationship and all… I do care about you, yknow? But, um, no pressure of course!”
I sigh, collecting my thoughts before responding. Ell1s looks at me with a genuine expression, trying to hide his subtle anxiousness.
Maybe I shouldn’t bottle this up any longer. I’ve travelled through hell and back, wallowing in my own misery for something that was out of my control. I’m tired of holding everything in. All I want is someone to care, and deep down, I feel bad for resenting him.
“…Before the nuclear war started, I lived my life relatively alone. I never really had any friends or people to rely on, just distant acquaintances that I talked to every now and then. My life at home wasn’t the best either. My parents fought a lot.”
I take a deep breath and continue.
“I’ve struggled with depression all my life, which only got worse as I grew older and moved out on my own. It got to the point where I became suicidal and tried taking my life by attempting to jump off a bridge late at night. I figured nobody would be around then, and nobody would see it.”
“As I was staring down at the water below, someone gently grabbed my arm. I turned back to look at them, and that’s when I met Calista. She explained that she was going for a quick night stroll, and saw me there and got concerned. She stopped me from going any further and offered that I walk back to her house for a cup of tea, and even chat for a bit if I was comfortable.”
“I agreed, quietly walking down the road with her. I remember sitting at the table, staring at my reflection in the cup in front of me, too afraid to say anything. I almost felt ashamed of myself for no good reason. But she started a conversation, and from there, we started to bond.”
“We soon developed a deep friendship, talking for hours every single day, and before I knew it I was in love. It felt so nice to finally have someone by my side who really cared.”
“So that’s why… she’s so important to me. The flowers we grew together, the hours we spent gardening, everything. I just… God, fuck, I…”
I cover my face in my arms, embarrassed, trying to hide the tears streaming down my face. I’ve been so used to hiding everything, and as much as I hate crying in front of people, I can’t do this any longer…
Ell1s quietly sits down beside me, heartbroken. He makes an attempt to comfort me by wrapping his arm around my back, even if the light of his form just phases through. It takes me a while to fully compose myself, my face still red from all the crying. It feels a bit relieving to finally let everything out…
“Ugh… Sorry, Ell1s, I… didn’t really mean to dump all of that on you…”
“Hey. Don’t apologize, alright? It’s completely fine. I’m here to listen.”
Ell1s appears to be holding back his own tears, but I can tell he’s being genuine. I wipe the tears from my face before speaking again.
“The war started on the day of my birthday. Calista was off to buy a gift to surprise me, and I thought it would be funny to surprise her as well with the pansies I’ve been trying to grow in secret, only to find that the pot of them I left outside had been shattered. Some wild animals chewed away at the flowers, and in a panic, I decided to just buy some from a flower shop instead. That’s when my life suddenly changed forever.”
“I guess… I kind of feel guilty in a way. I don’t know why, none of it was my fault, and I know Calista would never be mad, and I just… I…”
“I don’t know anymore. I miss everything we once had. I miss the days of my life that were so bright with her around. I miss admiring the flowers and the garden she grew. I miss her smile, I miss her face and I miss the way that she always knew how to cheer me up. I know I can’t keep dwelling on the past but I just can’t bring myself to move on, ever…”
Exhausted, I let out a sigh, my face red from crying.
“...Thanks for, um, being here for me. Truthfully, I don’t think I could’ve kept going much longer alone out there…”
“Of course, Lena! I’m so happy that you’re here as well. I’m always here to listen, alright? And… I’m really sorry you had to go through that. Even if I may not be the best company… you’re not alone anymore, alright? I’m here for you.”
“...Yeah. Thanks, Ell1s.”