Chapter 32A - Hopelessness

I spend the next few days wandering around, giving up on leaving and trying to find something to distract myself until I eventually die, or something. I feel hopeless, and the only thing comforting me is pretending that She’s still here with me. Strands of my hair have been falling out more frequently and I feel less stable walking. Maybe the radiation I’ve been exposed to is finally taking a bigger toll on my body…

I feel lonelier than ever right now, with only the sound of my thoughts filling the void in my mind, and it doesn’t help that a certain someone has been anxiously following me around wherever I go. Is it really that hard to stand by the words you said before?

I’ve got everything figured out on my own.

I sit alone in the food storage room, eating one of those “100% nutritious” protein bars that taste like cardboard. In the corner of my eye, I see a familiar face peek out from behind a shelf in the distance, watching me with an anxious expression. Tired of dealing with this any longer, I decide to speak out.

“Ell1s, I CAN see you, you know.”

He jumps and quickly disappears into thin air.

“Look, if you have to say something, stop being a coward, following me around like a creep, and just say it.”

He reappears, guilt written all over his face, slowly approaching me from the corner. “U- um… I mean, er, well… I…”

Instead of saying an actual thought out response, he quickly floats towards me and dramatically falls to the ground, miserably sobbing everywhere like a child.

“I’M SORYRYRYYG IM SOO SO OS SORRY AUEUUEHEGHHH AUWHWHWJKSHSHSHDHGDGJHDGHGKHDHJHJKHWKUWHDGJKDHWLJSKJHDKHFKJND,JFJKHFHFKJHFKJDHKJDFHJ HGHGSGHGBAUUUUU AGGHAGAHHH IM SOORYYYYYYYYYYYYY”

“H- Huh?! What-”

He struggles to form words between sobs. A giant holographic puddle begins to form around him as he throws a crying fit on the ground, desperately trying to express his guilt and misery. I get up and take a step back as it pools on the ground, stunned by his sudden outburst. He wipes his face with his sleeve and looks up at me, pleading, as tears continue to well up in his eyes.

“I- I shouldn’t have hurt you like that;t And i know Yiou tried to leave bbut but I was so lonely and and I dont knowiwww Auuuehehhhh Eughhhhb”

“Wh- I- Okay. Can you maybe calm down first?”

Ell1s tries his best to compose himself as he sits down on the table and wipes off the tears from his face, embarrassed, and continuing to blubber “I’m sorry” over and over again before eventually calming down.

“S- sorry… I, um, I’m really really sorry for what I did and everything I said and I… I just want to make things right, I promise, Lena-”

“Okay. I’m glad you’re apologizing. I don’t know if I can forgive you just yet, or at all, but… at the very least, please don’t follow me around like that again.”

“S- sorry… I was trying to think of something to say but I just assumed you wanted to be left alone… B- But– if you still want to be that’s, ah, fine… and hating me is justifiable… I- I mean, you’ve already been through so much, and I got too selfish, and was so dead set on not being alone any longer, and… ”

“Look. It’s fine. I’m not as mad at you anymore. I was so dead set on leaving and finding another survivor out there, that I kind of got lost in my own thoughts too. But at this point… It’s too late to try anymore.”

I brush through my hair with my fingers and a concerning amount of strands fall out.

“You were right. I wouldn’t have made it much farther, anyways. Not like this.”

“I was already dying from the start. I should’ve just realized that living, with the state of the world now, is just hopeless. If I were to leave and continue looking for surviving humans out there, It’d only speed up my death. At least I realize that now…”

Ell1s suddenly speaks up, voice full of determination.

“It’s… It’s not hopeless! I know you’re dying and I know you’re tired, but… I want to make the most of the time you have left starting now..! Look, I know I messed up everything at the start, but I want to make it up to you now in any way I can.”

Ell1s continues, voice shaking a little but trying his best to sound committed.

“And… It's okay to need help sometimes, Lena. I know I’m not exactly the best person in mind, but… you don’t always have to be a strong, independent survivor. It’s okay to feel weaker and more vulnerable than usual. That’s when we need help the most.”

His words resonate with me way more than I want them to.

I wish he didn’t remind me of Calista so much sometimes. She always insisted on helping me do stuff all the time, even when I acted stubborn. But without her, I wouldn’t stand here now. Instead of falling such a great height below into a seemingly unending ocean, I took her hand, and things began to feel okay.

“You’re right. Um, thank you… I guess I really needed to hear that.”

“Of course!”

“You traversed that dangerous wasteland and made it all the way here, and despite everything you had to go through, all of the injuries you suffered and the challenges you faced…”

“You survived.”

“And I can’t express how happy I am that you're still alive. Not just because I’m not alone anymore, but…”

“You’re living proof that if you grit your teeth and stay determined, forcing your way through anything and doing everything in your power to stay alive… You can do, well… pretty much anything.”

“I really admire you for that.”

“You’re strong and you make sure everyone knows it, even if you stay silent and don’t outright say it yourself.”

“Thank you for being here with me. Even if our time together hasn’t been the best.”

I can feel tears building up in my eyes. I never cry like this, but… I don’t hold back, and let the tears flow down my cheeks. I start to sniffle, and my face turns red with embarrassment.

“F- fuck, I’m sorry, I… I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve cried like this. I don’t even know why you’re still so nice to me after, well… everything.”

Ell1s gives me a warm, gentle smile.

“Well, I guess we’re both even then! I didn’t even know I could cry until now!”

I can’t help myself and I start to laugh. The ridiculousness of it all…

“You- Okay, let me get this straight, you threw that whole tantrum, and you didn’t even… know how you did it?”

“Nope!”

I wipe my tears off with my sleeve, my choked laughter still filling the room.

“Seriously, what the hell…”

Ell1s smiles, and enthusiastically speaks up again as an idea comes to his mind.

“Oh, right! Apologies for the sudden change of topic, but I have something to show you! I don’t recall you ever coming across it, and I think you might really like it!” He gets up from the table and floats to the door, gesturing to me to follow him out into the hallway.